June 1st 1991 baby
ex - Singapore Polytechnic communications student
Strictly Dance Zone

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right, this post im posting.. is my final resolution. i dont wanna run away anymore. also, to fit the situation, changed my blog song to Frankie J - Don't Wanna Try:


its been nearly 3 months after we broke. the first few weeks following that was hell. it was terrifying. i had to face you, as a sister, every tuesday n saturday. i looked forward to seeing you, yet, i dread de days i had to see you. after that, i settle down a little more. the ultimate test was yr birthday chalet, which i believe both of us failed to control our emotions. then after which i felt horrible again. i cudnt move on. it was cold n lonely. n i had to appear happy infront of you.
-
many ppl told me to move on. i know, myself, dat it IS time to move on. i knew. nth is gg to happen, probably for the 2 years while he's in NS. 1 week into his BMT, we had 1 last chat on msn[later on he discontinued his internet]. he told me to move on. he doesnt want me to try so hard anymore, i need to continue wid my life. however, he said that he's not asking me to stop loving him, he just want me to put the relationship or any thoughts abt it down first, cus i hav many thing i have to settle down in my life. i agreed wid that. i promised myself to do that. he then left wid one last promise, that he's not going anywhere, n me not to worry.

after that chat, i told myself, i promised myself to put my feelings for him aside, throw it aside. sometimes i succeed, but its only times when i get bombarded wid so many things to do. else, my mind wanders back to the old times, n i reminisce. throughout these time me n him is still having a good bro-sis rltnshp. he still cares for me, i still care for him, as 'siblings'. but, somehow, inside of me, i knew i still hold him close in my heart, more than jus a kor. more than jus a mere 'brother'.

i said dat ive put the thoughts of wanting to be a couple away. but every single time, i hav to try my best to appear nonchalant when things dat wud usually make me jealous or upset happens. i knew deep down, i was crying out loud, but i had to grip myself n drill at myself to think dat it doesnt matter to me. n dat im jus a sister. and everytime i thought id move a step closer to getting over him, i slide back becus of some little things here n dere, besides, it doesnt help much dat we meet at least twice a week n still talk n de phn once in a while. i mean, i am happy dat he finds me for company when he's bored sometimes. but i cant deny that these things jus make me grow wishful thoughts.
also, i cant deny, i love hearing his voice. D':

today, it was his first day at the new place, he got posted to the camp in jurong, n he stays in bedok. so unlucky. hah. ytd night, at 11+. he miscalled me. i called him back. he put me on loudspeaker n played arnd wid me n his mom. me saying night to his mom etc. den, we chatted randomly.
someway or anthr, he started talking abt his plans on his marriage. den after telling me the dates n all. he asked me to guess the person he hav on his mind for his partner. he did ask me if im okay wid him talking abt all that, n of course i said yes, even though i am still sensitive abt those topics. i din wanna guess the person he hav on his mind. but he hinted till it was too obvious, n so i said her name. he replied her name n it echoed off in my heart. deep n dark. something in my heart pulled hard. i felt a sudden undeniable emptiness inside me. i felt terrible.
he went on to say that its jus his thoughts on compatibility.. dat he needed someone who is as devoted to God as him, someone who is as preachy as him, n can criticize him. i know, it is the total opposite of what i am, now. as for feelings wise, he said, its neutral. but its all too early to say now, im not ready now, n i dun think she's ready eithr.

its not of jealousy dat made me felt terrible, its more of feeling overwhelmed by stupidity. i suddenly felt so STUPID to have held on. though i promise n appear nonchalant n pretend n even fake myself to believe i have put the relationshp aside n moved on n treat him jus as a bro, it has become clearer than ever, that i still like him, n i still miss his embraces n all. the call continued n i had to force myself to sound nonchalant abt those stuff he said dat apparently stabbed me painfully w/o his noticing. n it was awful.

later on in the call, he mentioned smth abt him probably gona be single, not gona get a gf for the 2 yrs he's in NS. i knew this frm the start. i probably expected him to be single. id probably freak out or go bonkers if he got a gf suddenly while he undergoes NS. however i held on, sometimes i even think if i am rly gona wait for him for 2 yrs. now, after this call, i begun to find myself really stupid. in fact, ive been lying to myself all along, abt putting the relationshp aside for the mo. abt letting God path the way for us. i even thought to myself if i really wanted him after all, whrthr he is rly the kind of guy i want for life. my throat stuck on that qn, i cudnt answr it. i wasnt sure anymore.

i felt rly awful n terrible after the call. i found comfort in kieran (as usual). thanks kieran. (: after talking to him, i felt better, n i made a self resolution. also, becus of this resolution, im posting all these here, cus i dun wana run away anymore. i want to REALLY put the relationshp aside. ive been holding on to that last promise of him not gg anywhr. i hav no idea if he still hold his own promise. but i dont want to sit on the fence any longer. it sucks. i wanna be free. its painful now. its hard. but its for the better. dear diary. dear whoever who survived thru this long post, i account to you dat i am really throwing away the relationshp. i dont want to hold the promise any longer. i want to truly let God path the way for us.

-started typing this since 10.49pm on 23 june, ended at 12:10 am on 24 june, so de call was on 22june at night-

Labels: don't wanna try, don't wanna try no more.

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