Technically speaking, I've been an adult for awhile now, having passed my 21st in a big but crazily tiring party last year. But, I've never really felt like an adult. I always feel like I'm still a little girl (and probably will still be at 40, or 50, or 60 or...). But having completed my Bachelor's studies already, it feels like the only thing left for me to do is to work for the rest of my life - considering I'm not planning to do masters or any further studies. And it scares me. Maybe it's what they say about 'the strawberry generation' - I never feel quite ready to 'grow up' and take on such a huge responsibility. 

When people ask me what I want to do in the future, or when I think about what I wanna achieve 5 years/10 years down the road, the sad truth is, I don't know. 

Of course, I have dreams. Or.. had dreams. When I left secondary school for SP, I took a mass comm course because I dreamt of being a radio DJ. But let's face it; Neither do I have the voice nor the personality. So fk that shit. I had no inspiration in my studies. Yes, I still found what I studied interesting. and yes, I re-found my liking in writing but I doubt my writing is anywhere near amazing. And it feels like mission impossible to make it big/go very far in writing in SG unless one goes into journalism/copywriting - and I don't want to work in a newsroom, and copywriting isn't really the kind of writing i've done. 

But. I was just studying things because it is the curriculum in the course I chose. 

And I had dreams of being some kick-ass dancer, having found a liking in dance when I first took up hip-hop courses @ O School with bev after secondary school. I'm envious of dancers who can dance well, who make it far, who gets to perform on stage. I've always liked to be in a group where I'd feel at home, and be able to train, dance and perform tgt. I loved my time with SDZ when I was still in SP and I miss it - and the same goes for CJD. But now, dance is almost non-existent in my life. 

Admittedly, if I liked dance so much, I should put in more time and effort into leveling myself up regardless. But then, when you are faced with time constraints, with projects and assignments to deal with which affects your GPA, and disapproving parents who probably don't really believe in a future in dance, what can I do but dance less? And plus the incident two years ago left me some scars that'll.. probably never really go away.

At the end of the day, I still don't know what I want to do.

It's quite depressing really. While there are people my age making it big, or having goals, or chasing their dreams, I still don't know what I'm really good at, or what my goals are. 

Shooting at other players on online multiplayer shooters, mashing some buttons to kill virtual monsters, catching my daily dose of youtube vids, squealing at cat pictures/vids, doing my nails - days pass like that now.

Something I do know though, is that I want to start something up myself. It's been on my mind for a long time now. Be it an apparel store, or blogshop, or manicure parlor, or whatever, I hope to start a business myself, retail-kind. Some day, somehow. 

But I'll take it one step at a time. And that first step will be my first day of work next Monday, 6th May - WHICH IS IN FOUR DAYS TIME HOMYGUT - as a marcomms assistant doing events. Honestly speaking, it's not the best job in the world but it's a good start for me, and doing something I have interest in. So here's to a great six months at my new job, and hopefully, I enjoy my every single day.