Cold Nostalgia

Tuesday, September 16, 2008 @ 3:02 AM

Friendship

its 2.10am as im typing this. shudave been in bed long ago. but i was blog hopping. ventured into many ppl's blog. mostly dancers. read some interesting stuff here n dere. din wanna stay on so late but after reading stuff here and dere, there's this bugging feeling in me... dat have been bugging me every now and then. and i cant take it, so here i am, yet again, ranting on my blog.

few days back, i was venturing into unknown ppl's blog and i saw a post of a girl talking about friendship, and somehow, that post seem to relate to me. since ive been doubting my friendship wid *** for quite a long time now... i shall censor out the name, cus i feel a tad bit bad about ranting abt her behind her back.

when we were young, nothing seems to matter.
a friend back then, was just
someone you play catch wid.
someone you share sweets wid.
someone you play scissors paper stone wid.

i checked the online definitions of friend, friendship, soulmate, and affinity.
FRIEND (i filtered out less important ones)

a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter
a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile
a person you know well and regard with affection and trust

now that we've all grown up, we forget the meaning of friendship.
or at least i am doubting mine.
i feel so sick sometimes.
always being shouted at.
always getting mean treatments.
always at the receiving end of anger.
always giving in.
always being overlooked.
always the no. 2.
always receiving hostility treatments for the littlest things.
i know its hard to find a friend now,
and ***'s a friend, i know. not an acquaintance.
and i appreciate the fact that she's been there for me
and if we arent friends one day, itd be really no life.

but, its so hard sometimes.
i know there was a period of time last time,
where i really find her way of thinking really immature
and i din find her my friend.
but that was last time,
i've tried now. i did.
i thought about it, and i tried being a best friend.
the best friend that everyone sees me and *** as,
but its just really hard for me.
i like going out with daniel n bev tgt, why?
becus its the only time i really dare to talk back to her,
or criticize her w/o feeling afraid dat id be given attitude.
it sucks when im the sensitive one who can pick up ppl's feelings,
and always caring for their feelings,
while she's the i-dun-give-a-damn person.
sometimes i rly find her immature,
but then again, i have no rights to judge ppl's maturity becus i might be immature myself.

but really, i cant stand the way she does some things;thinking.
(im gonna put this very bluntly, cus im sick and tired and idk how to put it nicely, and some stuff might be nth much but ive been her 'best friend' for a period of time now, and i know her character, so it kinda makes me sick)
like how she always say things w/o thinking through.
how she likes to 'lick boots', meaning always sucking up to ppl like dance instructors, or seniors.
how she always like people to know her, and when people know her, she acts like "oh, wow, u know my name uh, how u noe my name sia!"
how she spends so much of her moms money on unneccessarily expensive stuff n yet doesnt appreciate her mom.
how she dislike ppl just becus those ppl share the same item/interest as her. like example, she'd be neutral towards a girl, but when learnt dat that girl is also starting to learn bboy, like her, she will dislike dat girl from then on.
how she keeps complaining n complaining about wanting to quit smth, but still stay on becus she says she staying on becus of the instructor, but id always jus tell her, if u wanna quit then just quit. n then she will be pissed wid my answer. and i have no idea why, becus to me, if u wanna keep complaining, den dont do it, no one's forcing you. if u find it an annoyance, just quit luh.
how she obviously-to-me likes and wants to be popular but is some way or other able to hide it.
how she always like to criticize other ppl's dancing and then when she cant do a certain move, she'd blame it on de fact that its not her style;liking.
how she'd act big n shout "come la we fight la. dance battle come. see who win la!" whenever she's angry wid anthr dancer.
how she gets angry for no apparant reason (in my point of view), and then id have to suffer.

sigh. its 3am already. gosh. i feel so no life. i miss my pri sch bestie.. louise. n my sec sch dearie marlene. ahh. n my emi dear. X( blehs.

if you know who im talking about, im praying u wun tell her about this. becus i know she doesnt read my blog. but if you'd wan to, i dont mind, im just scared, as usual.

once again,
im sucha loser.
boo.